I am so grateful for this piece.

I was raised in what would, today, be called an evangelical tradition, and a very legalistic one. In combination with other factors of my childhood, fear became the defining crisis of my life – in every aspect, but most particularly the spiritual.

Speaking from my own experience only, I know that God is living and active in Christianity. That’s not the same thing as an endorsement of everything that is taught there. Because of my life experience, I am convinced that God is living and active elsewhere, as well; and that conflicts deeply with what was drilled into me from infancy: Biblical inerrancy, or, if you like, dogmatic tradition.

Although I haven’t practiced Christian discipleship for more than 30 years, I continue to have an intense bond with Jesus, something that, frankly, surprises me a great deal. I virtually ignored Him for many years, and yet, here He is, today. In the meantime, especially during the last four years, I discovered that God manifests Himself as other divine persons from at least one other religious tradition: Hinduism, which also practices what Christians would call idolatry. Theologically, these two traditions are apparently irreconcilable; yet, how then do I explain my experience? I have suffered a great deal over this incongruity, and I find that I must jettison what passes for Christian tradition in order to keep my faith.

I see many posts on Medium that lambaste Christianity, God, faith, etc. (This comment does not include yours.) I think many of them are simply people expressing their pain, though I don’t discount the possibility of some of them being genuinely evil. As soon as I see that, I often stop reading. I don’t have much good to say about “deconstructing”; analysis is all about taking apart, which is essentially destructive. The point is to transcend. It is in transcendence that we find healing and resolution.

Most people, I think, have had some experience of God, even if they give it another name; and that experience is touching Reality in its most complete and profound form. When leaving Christianity, or any religious tradition, it is foolish to simply throw God away with the things that are taught about Him. It is better to say, “OK, God, I know you’re there; where else are You? How do I know You better?” That’s seeking transcendence.

Lately, I have begun to sense the light at the end of my particular tunnel. The resolution is fundamentally non-rational – which, of course, it must be, since spirit transcends reason and reason cannot encompass it. In my life, I have found, and continue to find, that the things St. Paul speaks of as being the fruit of the Spirit are my best guides to the Reality of God: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control. As Jesus said, and evil tree cannot produce good fruit, and by their fruits you will know them. These are my guides, because I can’t rely on the tradition I was raised in anymore.